AHHHHHJPOT;HJPTRMJOJNPIHJHHHHHHHHHHHHH :D :D

i'm the happiest i've been in ages, i mean it's like actual happiness that isn't an effect of something radiohead related ....... the effect this time is death metal guy, i feel kinda bad for calling him that though because there's actually SO MUCH more to him than that :P

but yeah, you may remember be moaning and whining about it all and how stupid i was and horrible and how i felt really bad and just urgh BUT NOW omg we had a date to the cinema and stuff and it was just like something out of a movie... get it? and then we sat in culver square for half an hour or so just huddled up talking about the most random things ever herng'iermngpoenrpgne and on friday we're having a peep show marathon round mine i mean seriously, this kid's something special......

on a slightly different note.....

sainsburys wensleydale > waitrose wensleydale

yes you heard me correctly

Some very important messages I learnt today:

1. Rachel, you are so wrong about things. I mean seriously, you are so wrong it's actually quite funny.
2. Get over yourself and actually make an effort to broaden your own stupid interests for once.
3. The one thing people are very good at is SURPRISING you.

so yes, I can now conclude that I am going on a date on Wednesday night. And I'm actually kind of looking forward to it...

still feel like human shit fmpworjg;p;

everything was perfectly fine until THAT PERSON THING HAPPENED I mean literally, things at home have been great and I haven't been getting myself into unfortunate states as I was before and then came along that person and that thing and then the day after and now the constant messaging and prospect of a DATE but I just want none of this. Everyone's gonna have a go at me and lecture me about how I should just put my pride behind me and at least get to know the guy but I CAN'T. Because.... I just have a ridiculous relationship complex and really cannot be bothered with the awkwardness and the bad music taste and just.... oh god. Why, Rachel? Just why? WHY can't you be reasonable instead of fantasising over a guy who you will never ever meet because he lives a gazillion miles away and besides, is far too intelligent for you anyway but oh for fucks sake. Everything is just fucked and now I feel like an awful person for leading him on but I didn't mean to because it's not in my nature to let people down (although clearly I seem to be very good at it) and oh christ. Unless he comes knocking on my door to tell me that it's OK to feel like I am and it's OK to really deep down only ever love thom yorke then THEN THEN THEN I will consider it.............

You don't understand

I want to meet him in the October half term (hopefully by Embankment or something impressive) and tell him how perfect he is.

I could tell him now, of course I could, but I want to tell him in person.

Mmm

The first day of college went pretty well. Form isn't bad, not really and I didn't get lost once! (Well there was a slight blip but I soon found my bearings). I had English Lit first and I LITerally cannot wait to properly start the course! Everything about it seemed so good and I can't wait to read and write and ahh! Only flaw; I wanted to do the other pair of poets for the exam. Then that way I would have been able to talk about Sylvia Plath all day long and write all about her :(
Citizenship was a right laugh. I have Chloe in my class which basically means it'll be a rerun of the infamous PSE class we had when she was at St Hell :')
Art History was OK. Not brilliant, but not terrible.. Just OK. I'm looking forward to getting stuck in the work though, all this ice breaker nonsense is killing me!
Fine Art was err.. Exactly as I thought it would be. I am completely terrible at drawing, well at least in a crowded environment. If I'm left to do it in my own time with Codex or No Surprises on repeat in the background, or even an episode of Luther, I can do it.. Alas, this shall not pass for an A Level. My drawing wasn't completely atrocious but it wasn't good either. My Art is expressive and abstract and all things conceptual. It's really not realist or surreal or impressionist or any other classically accepted form of Art. Wah, I've failed already.
So the only lesson I haven't experienced yet it History, but I'm in no rush for that. Another year of Nazi Germany? NO THANKS! The thought of spending the year after relentlessly learning about Russia will keep me going through it though.

Lucky for me tomorrow isn't a particularly full day. Early start for double English Lit, one single lesson of Art and then ten minutes of registration and I'm done! That being said I need to somehow find a computer to log onto for the Moodle stuff for Art. Urgh. Effort!

Anyway, I'm feeling good about having a routine (I think) and am looking forward to the rest of the year!
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WORK

I have a job interview tomorrow morning and ah oh my goodness how I am nervous! I always leave interviews of any sort feeling that I've made a right royal cock up of everything. I just waffle relentlessly and use hand gestures even more than usual.
Anyway, at least trying to think positively, I really hope I get a job! I'm not going to even think about getting it because history dictates that I probably won't, but regardless, fingers crossed for me!


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Why oh why why oh why oh why oh why oh why!

Every sodding time it just ends up with the same ridiculous argument
And I'm sorry but you act like such a fucking toddler in the situation
I want a parent who acts like a parent and parents me
I hate it being like this constant equal level that we share or something
Why can't you just know when to leave something? Or know when to be the bigger person as you'd expect most parents to be and actually just say 'let's sort this out tomorrow opposed to 2 in the morning..'
Just go and whine and lick your wounds and think that the world is against you AS USUAL
Because as you've heard so many times before
I
Don't
Give
A
Shit
I
Have
Problems
Of
My
Own
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I can't sleep. But I am so determined to because I really don't want to go back to that numbing insomnia.
- I just need to point out here that the only thing that stays on my mind twenty four hours a day and seven days a week is my NEED for the Red Hot Chili Peppers tattoo. I am so so so so so determined to get the star (or 'Angel's anus' as Anthony would call it) on my right wrist, just like Ant and John have (I stress I didn't know this until a couple of days ago). But yeah. I want it.

I hear that when you die your brain gets flooded with fuck loads of endorphins. Just imagine that. In that final split second, to be so overwhelmingly alive.
Sigur Ros are just so beautiful, and even though I never have any idea what Jonsi is singing, the barrier of language doesn't mean that I can't interpret the sheer emotion in the music. It's truly amazing.

I want it to be Winter because then I can listen to Radiohead again. I can't listen to them now because it's too polar.

I don't want to start college with other people surrounding me but I do want to start college. I want to get a job and save money and travel around parts of the world in a gap year.
But that's if by God's hand the dark and the cold doesn't get me first. Because you never know, it may.
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Drink in her hand and I don't mean tea.

I think the thing about drinking alcohol is that despite however much my head tells me to go straight edge and quit the booze and the drugs, I just fucking love not being in control for once. Not having to be the mediator, or the one in charge of anything. Just being able to forget and dance the night away, even if it ends on the edge of destruction.. I just don't care. My self-preservation is non-existent these days. I'm fully aware that the actions I'm taking might be damaging me but that's sort of why I take them. I don't really care what happens to me.

Read Winnie The Pooh books, form patterns like the Piccadilly line resembling that of a noose and try not to eat. Those three rules. Those. Three. Rules.

anything that's happened is just completely irrelevant because i'm talking to him and even though it's like it's probably 4 in the morning over there and i'm getting ready for lunch i don't even care because there's beautiful beautiful beautiful feeling and empathy there

i just wish that it would be may now so i can finally see him because i think it'll seriously be one of the greatest things ever

and i don't care if i'm reading into things too deeply or if he really means good by someone else but ah he's just great and flawed and i love it

I want to be home streaming the new RHCP album and watching Big Brother.
On. My. Own.
The people and the conversation is giving me a headache and oh god I especially don't want to ever get my results.
I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I am an academic failure.
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Well I guess you could say that skeggy is bearing up as good as ever. The Parish's also seem to be having a good time and that's a good thing in itself I suppose.
It's 8am and I'm awake. I'm on holiday... Why am I awake? I mean I know breakfast is at 9 but the showers broke and I can't put the tele on because the others are still asleep.
Speaking of which, in the town yesterday I managed to pick up 3 James Herbert books for a fiver. Considering I had bought one in Waterstones the other day which cost me about 8 quid I thought that this was a pretty good deal.
My legs really ache and my stomach feels weird. It has done on and off for the last couple of weeks now. It's literally like someone is stabbing me continuously for half an hour at one given time. I've tried to see whether some Ibuprofen won't do the trick but meh who knows.
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And the one time that I did meet anyone worth getting to know or trying to pursue any kind of 'thing' with I got beaten down and told I was too young. There was a year and a something gap between us. Hmph.

Sitting in the dentists wondering whether these two people sat on opposite corners of the room would be easy to murder. The woman, yes. The man, not so sure. I feel some role play is in order.

Now would you look at that it's time to go and listen to some music and pretend that everything's OK.
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I run these obsessions like lunar cycle clockwork.

I'm currently at the stage of the radiohead obsession of being annoyed at others who act like I did. It's really bad, isn't it? They just don't interest me at the moment. I think it's because I'm constantly so irritable and hyper active and unfortunately radiohead don't exactly accomidate to that behaviour. This is where the red hot chili peppers come in. There just so wild and insane and untamed and I absolutely fucking love it. I always have done. If there was a band that I would say best suited my personality and behaviour it would probably be RHCP. Although hang on a minute.. That just makes me sound like a heroin addict and sex freak... What I mean is that you'll find the chili's create a really positive atmosphere and are just full out crazy constantly and are weird and wonderful and I guess you could say the same about radiohead but not to the same extent.
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I love him, and I don't even know him.

i don't know what to do with my life anymore

i'm returning to old ways

haven't slept properley for months

haven't really slept at all really

all i want to do is shoot some heroin with kiedis and forget about everything

NOT ALONNNNNNNNNE

i can't do anything anymore because all i ever do is drink and listen to don't forget me 100 times and try not to resort to slitting my throat

i'm fascinated by foresight and longsight? is that what you call it?

relapsing is horrible

i don't think i've ever wanted drugs more than now

maybe maybe maybe

is dreaming about brutally murdering your father normal? i wonder

i suppose it would be nice though

now we know it all for sure................

make the hair stand up on your arm teach you how to dance inside the funny farm NOT ALONE I'LL BE THERE TELL ME WHEN YOU WANNA GO

why can't i know this kid in real life.

he lives in NYC and has listened to rhcp since he was 9 like me and is equally obsessed with radiohead and smokes pot and writes songs and has a voice as beautiful as charlie fink from noah and the whale and is just generally an all round awesome person.

fuck you atlantic ocean, yeah, why don't you just fuck off.

i obsess over things hard

the more i think about my past, present and perhaps even future obsessions the more i come to realise just how absolutely infatuated i become with things

i've slept for around 10 hours in the last five days so as you can imagine trying to focus on this screen is basically impossible

i'm beginning to hallucinate and not be able to stand straight

it's all kind of fun really

the most significant thing to arise over the past week is the fact that i have listened to the red hot chili peppers more in these last seven days than i have listened to radiohead in the last two months............................................ and i listen to radiohead a lot...................

it's like yeah, seeing RHCP in november is going to have more of a personal significance and impact on me than seeing radiohead ever would. this because i've been listening to radiohead since i can remember and they were the first band i ever truly 'obsessed' over. i can remember when VIRGIN RECORDS still existed and was in town where the republic in culver square now is and it must of been my 9th or 10th birthday and i bought a rhcp poster, a rhcp shirt, blood sugar sex magik and the anthony kiedis autobiography. i was weeeeeeeeeeeeell happy.

time for bertie botts beans, a nap, no food first then a nap and then sims.

i've become nocturnal

this jet lag is what's done it for me

i don't know if you already knew but i never really slept until 3 or 4 in the morning before i went to florida, but since coming back and being adjusted to another time zone i have just fluxed out of a normal circadian rhythm completely.

it's also the red hot chili peppers fault. i know i should go and sleep but they won't let me... their funky 80's material is blasting through his headphones and it's as though they're permanently sealed there because i just can't stop listening to this maaaaaan! it's so good!

ok

so

yes

that's about it

oh and one last thing, i wish i knew that person irl and i also pray that idris wins the emmy.

HI. I am Doug. I have just met you and I love you.

So I'm back from Florida and it was as magical as ever. The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios was insanely awesome. Me and my sister literally cried when we first walked into Hogsmeade, it was just so beautiful. Despite the packs of tourists and 40 degree (C) weather it really felt like you were THERE! And the Hogwarts attraction was AMAZING! It was one of those virtual simulator type of things and it was as though you were on a broomstick riding alongside Harry and the others. They had all the props there: Dumbledore's office and all of the commodities inside of it, the sorting hat, the defence against the dark arts classroom, the moving paintings; it was amazing! I think what made it extra special is the fact that the characters on the ride were the actual actors so it felt you were in the movie as well as the book :3
Enough on Potter world though (for now) I really enjoyed Florida this year. It holds such a big place in my heart. I cry uncontrollably every time I have to leave those Magic Kingdom gates for the last time, it feels like my heart's breaking. I really do love Disney.
The only reason I'm glad to be back is well, two things really; the food and the weather. American food is mostly disgusting and tastes of a conveyed belt and the weather is extremely humid, I had to bring a towel with me everywhere to mop up the sweat and have a fan permanently adjusted in front of my face at all times. It was killer. Still, it was better than this rubbish back here! Oh and another thing, the Harry Potter films are different in America! They were having a marathon of the films when I first arrived on abc so naturally I settled in by watching them but as I watched them I noticed scenes that I had not seen before... It was most queer. I liked the extra scenes mostly for the fact that it often explained why characters were where they were, for example, at one point I was like "OH! That's why Hermione asks where Harry's been at the end of the Yule Ball!" I can't remember whether these extra bits where in the books or not because I haven't read them for so long, but either way it was informative. This being said though, when I watched the scenes it felt like I was watching completely different people. They act a lot different and it often turns into this typical high school gossip show. For instance there's a part where they show Hermione drunk and the kissing scenes are either twenty times longer or aren't even in the UK version. Ah, I don't know.
I do know though that I had an excellent time and can't wait to go back one day. For now though, the three of us have got our eyes set on going to Mexico next year :D
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