everything was perfectly fine until THAT PERSON THING HAPPENED I mean literally, things at home have been great and I haven't been getting myself into unfortunate states as I was before and then came along that person and that thing and then the day after and now the constant messaging and prospect of a DATE but I just want none of this. Everyone's gonna have a go at me and lecture me about how I should just put my pride behind me and at least get to know the guy but I CAN'T. Because.... I just have a ridiculous relationship complex and really cannot be bothered with the awkwardness and the bad music taste and just.... oh god. Why, Rachel? Just why? WHY can't you be reasonable instead of fantasising over a guy who you will never ever meet because he lives a gazillion miles away and besides, is far too intelligent for you anyway but oh for fucks sake. Everything is just fucked and now I feel like an awful person for leading him on but I didn't mean to because it's not in my nature to let people down (although clearly I seem to be very good at it) and oh christ. Unless he comes knocking on my door to tell me that it's OK to feel like I am and it's OK to really deep down only ever love thom yorke then THEN THEN THEN I will consider it.............
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