Tomorrow I'm meant to be going to prom. I've actually been quite looking forward to it today, which is strange considering how close I was to pulling out of it in the last few days.
All of this has been rattled though.
My dad comes wailing in at 1am to sit me down because he has no one else to turn to and tells me that Granny's just had to be taken to hospital. The events leading up to which have happened in such a short space of time - she's deterring so quickly. I think it's something like infected kidneys as well as a very low blood pressure.
Oh God, this is all so horrible. All I can say in summary is that this is the beginning of the end, I can feel it.
Because it's not just going to be the pain of losing another close family member that I'm going to have to cope with. It's the recycled process of last time and I just can't face it again. I'm older now, and I'm far more aware of right from wrong and maturity. Just what the fuck is it going to do to my Dad when I turn round and tell him that I'm not going to do what I did last time. I don't need to do that anymore and I'm not going to. This is his issue, not mine, and I won't hold it as my burden any longer.
My granny's passing has always been the day that I have feared the most. More than anything in the entire world in fact. This for the simple reason that I know it's going to bring everything back and open it all out. I'm scared, I'm really scared. It sounds so premeditated I know, but even the thought of it makes me feel like a complete wreck.
It's the beginning of the end because this is where we all have to accept that the end is upon us. Not just in terms of a loved ones life, but for an individuals emotional capability and sanity.
Farewell the tranquil mind.
All I can do now is stay strong for my dad and think positively - not naively, just not negatively. My granny is the strongest woman bar my mum that I've ever known. She's made from steel and I know that she can get through this, I just know <3
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