I just posted all of this to Laura because she helps me get through, I'll post what I said on here too because I'm really starting to open up about everything. Bare in mind though that this just an outline of everything, there are a million other things that I could've said, but unforunately tumblr only allows you to post so many words in one post.
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OK computer, here goes, I've never told anyone on here about any of this, so sorry if it's all too much to take in at once and doesn't make sense etc..
So just jumping straight in there with it, when I was 9 my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. From that day onwards I took on her responsibilties in the house, I basically brought up my younger sister and I also spent a lot of time letting my Dad lean on me for everything, relying on me to be the one to listen to his problems and pick up the pieces. A few months after the initial diagnosis, my Mum died and my role was even more pressurised. I didn't stop and think about the fact that I had lost the closest person a 10 year old could lose, I was far too busy comforting my Sister and my Dad. My role soon manifested into a wider picture though. Suddenly, it wasn't just the loss of Mum which I was being used as a mediator for, I was expected to handle any arguements or other problems that arose over time. My Dad would often break down COMPLETELY and threaten to pack up a bag and leave me and my Sister, but I would always manage to calm him down and make him feel reassured, even at the age of 10 or so. I soon realised though that I wasn't allowed to get upset myself. Whenever I'd had a bad day at school or something had annoyed me it would affect the entire dynamic of the house. Doors would be slammed, pets would be kicked, curses would be sworn etc etc. So I wasn't just having to bottle up my feelings over the loss of my mother, I was having to bottle up any bad feelings that arose about anything else. For the last couple of years I've felt it all building inside me though, but I've never cracked. I'd try and confront my Dad about how I was feeling but it would just result in him breaking down again and getting angry so I would once again have to hide whatever it was I was feeling. In the last couple of months though it's all completely broken down. The Doctor said I have depression, and prescribed me to not go into school for a week or so. But against her will, it's been far longer than that, I haven't gone in for a couple of months and with GCSE's just around the corner, this scares the shit out of me. My Dad tries to understand what I'm going through, he really does, but unfortunately he's a man, and he has the emotional capacities of a tea spoon. Since there's no other female company in my house apart from my younger sister who is admittidly still a bit immature in terms of listening to people's problems and what not, I have literally no one to talk to apart from my counsellor. It helps, but it's not enough. I keep having panic attacks on my own and that too scares me because I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm in that state. My friends don't really seem overly concerned with what might be going on, or if they are, they don't try and get anything out of me, probably because they're scared of how I might react. The only time they ask me to see them is if they're all getting pissed or something, I admit I went once but it ended in disaster. We were all round a friends house who lives right next to the hospital where my Mum spent quite a lot of time at and unfortunately the alcohol had made me ridiculously emotional. I started running to the hospital, screaming in the middle of the road that I need to go in and see my Mum, luckily my friends stopped me, but I kept trying to dodge them, and I could've sworn it was in front of a car more than once, purposefully I should add. I got home and went insane. I dismantled my phone, deleted all of my contacts/social networks started writing suicide notes, certain that I was going to die. It sounds stupid and really cheesy but luckily I was listening to my music at the time. How To Disappear Completely started and I swear to God, if it hadn't been for listening to that song curled up on the ground with the pair of scissors next to me, I don't think I would be here. Radiohead can go to their graves knowing that they stopped me from going to mine, which sounds really sick and silly but I suppose it's true. But as for how I am now, I think my grief for my mother is finally coming out. It's all I can think about and all I can see in my mind is the final time I saw her at the hospice. That scene and final goodbye is seared into my mind completely. OK I'll shut up now, I guess I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm completely lost, I don't know whether to run or die or... I can't see any other option :/
So just jumping straight in there with it, when I was 9 my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. From that day onwards I took on her responsibilties in the house, I basically brought up my younger sister and I also spent a lot of time letting my Dad lean on me for everything, relying on me to be the one to listen to his problems and pick up the pieces. A few months after the initial diagnosis, my Mum died and my role was even more pressurised. I didn't stop and think about the fact that I had lost the closest person a 10 year old could lose, I was far too busy comforting my Sister and my Dad. My role soon manifested into a wider picture though. Suddenly, it wasn't just the loss of Mum which I was being used as a mediator for, I was expected to handle any arguements or other problems that arose over time. My Dad would often break down COMPLETELY and threaten to pack up a bag and leave me and my Sister, but I would always manage to calm him down and make him feel reassured, even at the age of 10 or so. I soon realised though that I wasn't allowed to get upset myself. Whenever I'd had a bad day at school or something had annoyed me it would affect the entire dynamic of the house. Doors would be slammed, pets would be kicked, curses would be sworn etc etc. So I wasn't just having to bottle up my feelings over the loss of my mother, I was having to bottle up any bad feelings that arose about anything else. For the last couple of years I've felt it all building inside me though, but I've never cracked. I'd try and confront my Dad about how I was feeling but it would just result in him breaking down again and getting angry so I would once again have to hide whatever it was I was feeling. In the last couple of months though it's all completely broken down. The Doctor said I have depression, and prescribed me to not go into school for a week or so. But against her will, it's been far longer than that, I haven't gone in for a couple of months and with GCSE's just around the corner, this scares the shit out of me. My Dad tries to understand what I'm going through, he really does, but unfortunately he's a man, and he has the emotional capacities of a tea spoon. Since there's no other female company in my house apart from my younger sister who is admittidly still a bit immature in terms of listening to people's problems and what not, I have literally no one to talk to apart from my counsellor. It helps, but it's not enough. I keep having panic attacks on my own and that too scares me because I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm in that state. My friends don't really seem overly concerned with what might be going on, or if they are, they don't try and get anything out of me, probably because they're scared of how I might react. The only time they ask me to see them is if they're all getting pissed or something, I admit I went once but it ended in disaster. We were all round a friends house who lives right next to the hospital where my Mum spent quite a lot of time at and unfortunately the alcohol had made me ridiculously emotional. I started running to the hospital, screaming in the middle of the road that I need to go in and see my Mum, luckily my friends stopped me, but I kept trying to dodge them, and I could've sworn it was in front of a car more than once, purposefully I should add. I got home and went insane. I dismantled my phone, deleted all of my contacts/social networks started writing suicide notes, certain that I was going to die. It sounds stupid and really cheesy but luckily I was listening to my music at the time. How To Disappear Completely started and I swear to God, if it hadn't been for listening to that song curled up on the ground with the pair of scissors next to me, I don't think I would be here. Radiohead can go to their graves knowing that they stopped me from going to mine, which sounds really sick and silly but I suppose it's true. But as for how I am now, I think my grief for my mother is finally coming out. It's all I can think about and all I can see in my mind is the final time I saw her at the hospice. That scene and final goodbye is seared into my mind completely. OK I'll shut up now, I guess I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm completely lost, I don't know whether to run or die or... I can't see any other option :/
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