You know........... .... .. .
The thing that NO ONE knows about in terms of what's been going on with me is what I'm about to disclose now:
I can't believe how paranoid I've become and oh my god it's happening to me now. That depersonilization where everything goes swirling and it's like everything around you is vommiting on you all at the same time, just like The Scream by Munch. Just like that. But hopefully this too shall pass. OK seriously now please make this stop. Everything has gone pitch black and if I look up from this screen it's as though I've gone blind. Or I'm dead and I'm like Owen in Torchwood and there's something.... Out there... SH UT Up! It's OK calm down calmn down jonsi and the rest of sigur ros will make it all ok£v
I don't have anyone to talk to about this anymore. As part of the treaty between me and my dad we have mutually decided that I will never again talk to him about how I might be feeling deep down because it will only end up in my dad crashing the car in an emotional rage again and me trying to kill him in the kitchen before retreating and being dragged round a family friends wailing to prevent any further damage being done.
That's not the issue though. That's a different issue. The issue now is that there's a pair of beady eyes out of EVERYThIng I see and there's also always without a doubt a shadow standing there in the corner of my eye. A large figure which I saw when I was very little and hoped to never see again yet here it is. It's as though it's bided its time and is now finally to attack. And it's terrifying. My mind makes daunting shapes out of everyythinhh. But nothing is as bad as - and this is the gods honest truth I swear- I don't use a hairdryer anymore because whenever I do the sound of someone breaking into the house via the back door sounds. And even now with my headphones in it sounds like someone's creeping up the stairs. I have to stay vigilant and awake all the time because if I don't then something will get me. Uruigvmdlo what the fuck do I do about that one then?
Like I want to go into college now.
Also, the other day my dad and sister told me that recently they've realised how much of a hyperchondriac I amm. Like. My nose had a constant supply of stained blood just on the inside of the nostrils and I kept getting headaches and feeling lathargic and such and even though I kept reassuring my self that it is just a pet allergy deep down I still to this day think that my brain is seeping and any moment I will break into a s eizure and die.
I know exactly why I think like this. I know exactly why I have arguably irrational thoughts on what will happen when I die and I know exactly why I know exactly why.
All this time,
I've been confusing what I deemed to be depressive realism with what in fact (the more I think about it) is more likely to be a dose of ye olde depersonilization disorder.
And even now
It feels like someone is sitting on my bed and any moment now they will grab me by the feet. It's not that I neccessarily feel that people are trying to kill me (althoughthat'spossiblyit) it's more a fear of fear itself and the fear that SOMETHING whatever that unknown thing may be will eventually GET me.
You say hello and then I say ADIEU
I can't sleep again though I'm so scared
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