I'm in the process of convincing myself that these maths exams don't matter, and that if I have any energy that can be harnessed and focused on then it should be for history.
Juxtapose to this, a contradictory statement: I don't care about exams anymore. They've driven me to the point of just generally not giving a fuck anymore. I can't wait til summer.
Hello nothing, goodbye bank balance.
More has happened in the last week than any week of the past couple of months. If it wasn't for the fact that laura came down and stayed round mine for a few days, I have no doubt whatsoever that I wouldn't be living here anymore.
Things hit such a high on tuesday.
My dad doesn't understand any of it. He doesn't understand the fear of god he puts into me and my sister when he explodes like that and he sure as hell doesn't understand the idea that I've been parentless since I was 10. I don't blame him, but I do hate him. The thing that upsets me more than anything is the fact that my dads 'issues' have completely overshadowed my own. I know that sounds really pre-maddonaey, but that's just how it is. Not only am I going through my own depression/mental state, but I'm having to live with some who is suffering chronic depression and might well have an anxiety or personality disorder is well at the least. not only that, but I'm having to look after said person in some distant sense, since there is no one around to do so. AND I'm having to look after my sister, which isn't too much of a chore but it's one more thing, you know?
I've never felt as helpless and alone as I did on tuesday. I literally had no one. I mean mother parish did her best, but ultimately she has her own responsibilities that I wasn't going to deny her of. I can't deal with being here any longer. I am physically repulsed at the thought of having to live through this train wreck a second longer. People may say I'm impatient and need to be there for my dad more now than ever, but a human being can only take so much. I've been that person for so long, it's all I know. And although the timing isn't the greatest, I need to break free from this shipwreck once and for all. Admit defeat and move forward, by myself. Because being here and being this person is like carrying dead wood on my shoulders.
You could say exams are really the least of my worries right now. It's quite quaint actually, getting so stressed out over something which in comparison to the wider picture, really is no big deal. I think that's why I choose to be so paranoid about them (exams), it's because it's an easy thing to deal with, something which will have an incontrovertible outcome. Unlike these deeply personal issues, which could pan out in any way and are livid with unpredictability.
I don't even know where to begin explaining it to someone on the outside of it all. The only person who seems to get any of it in any sense is my sister, and that's for obvious environmental circumstances. Deeply, psychologically I feel on a completely different planet to everyone else. But maybe that's just because I am from another planet and in actual fact, no matter how twisted and unbelievable it may be, I am your daughter.
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