This evening has been truly awful

The only thing that's keeping me here is the knowledge that if I go, I won't be able to listen to thOm's voice ever again.

My dad dismisses how I am with the response that the GP will ignore me. Even though this is plausible, I still think that he is covering his own attitude towards it with what the GP might say. And he also said that 'well if YOU'RE insane then that makes the rest of the world insane too'. So I flipped and told him that with mental illness, the fundamental rule of it is that just because you can't see it, it doesn't mean it's not there.
Just because I'm not in crutches (or in this case acting like the stereotypical mad hatter) it doesn't mean that there's nothing wrong. This was the first thing to annoy me.
He then went on to do what he does best: hypocrisy. One minute he was telling me to think about whether Florida is such a good idea over the next few days and the next he was shouting in my face saying 'WHAT ABOUT FUCKING FLORIDA THEN?'. This is just one example. He also played the old trick of bringing in all of his own problems into a conversation which had begun on the basis that I may need to see a Doctor. He was raving about Granny and assuring me he was only (over)reacting the way he was because of what the nurses had told him about her state this morning.
As if I'm not worrying she's going to get one too many complications and die too.
And as if I don't know what it feels like to be told by someone that your mother has taken a turn for the worse and it's looking serious.
How dare he belittle my capabilities of empathy like that.

I suppose you would of had to hear the conversation/argument to understand it all. Well not necessarily understand but sort of see where I'm coming from/the context.

I really don't want anything to do with him anymore. He makes me feel dead.

And as soon as I started completely losing it (otherwise known as mania) he practically told me to pack it in because there's 'no need to act like that'.

I can't fucking help it. I have no control over anything when I'm like that.

And for anyone who tells me to give him time, he'll understand soon, it's just the shock etc well basically I've been 'hearing him out' ever since I was 9, waiting for that change in ways and understanding and support. So I think it's safe to say I am at the end of my tether.

And I have an exam tomorrow. Isn't that just great. You know, I specifically told him because I thought that it would clear my head and I could concentrate on my exams more. But once again that theory has been disproved. It always is. I'll never learn that there's no one here that I can talk to. Ever.
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