Then then then I don't know
It's just like criminal I guess..
Kind of like not owning Kid A.
~i think it's the idea of someone else being in control. (Jonny Greenwood is the controller). Well not necessarily control, but being the decider. I have real judgement issues. I don't like the idea of this unknown entity deciding when my time is up, surely only I have that 'privilege'? I've always been like that, since I can remember. I've always known that I would be the one to end it, if not because I have had enough or there were other reactive reasons, but because ultimately I only trust myself and my instincts, no one else's and certainly not the universes. Sigh.
OK computer, so before I start this ramble, I'm always really worried about what kind of a reaction this might get because it's such a hyped subject, but especially after talking at length with Laura, I really feel like there's something... else going on with me. My depression is only the half of it; it doesn't cover all of what you might call 'symptoms'. I mean another term for depression can be 'uni-polar' (or something along those lines) but that's the complete opposite of what I'm like. My persona and mental state does not evoke depression 24/7. Some times it might lift a little bit (if I'm around good people) though still plague my mind OR it goes the complete polar opposite I.e europhia. My europhic states scare me more than my suicidal ones. I think it's because when I'm completely europhic I have absolutely no control over anything, I mean I guess you would call it a manic state or episode. At least when I'm suicidal I'm silent and sombre. When I'm going through a manic period it's literally like someone has fed me acid for breakfast; I feel the onset of a heart attack, the shaking of a leaf, a horrible sickness and a tendency to scratch- on top of the suspected hyperactive behaviour. It's like I lose control of all rational emotions; the most insignificant thing will make me sob with happiness and I don't know, I'll have to cut things out and stick them down. I once tried to write during one of these times and I mean I literally couldn't even hold the pen I was shaking that much, it just slid off my hand because I couldn't keep grip or concentrate on writing just one letter at all. The only thing that calms me down when I'm in one of these moods is Pyramid Song and rocking back and forwards whilst singing along to it. I mean anything else just exacerbates it.
I suppose the point of it all is that I'm worried I might have some condition. I really cannot stress enough how much I don't want this to be the case, I'd hate to feel more abnormal than I already do or have to bore everyone with it including myself and not to mention the general struggle it would bring me in everyday life. But on the other side of the coin there is a part of me which wants there to be something there, ONLY to prove my paranoia right though. Apart from that I unwelcome the idea.
I already regret thinking it. Everyone's just going to think I'm doing the whole attention seeking-it's-so-hipster-to-have-a-mental-illness-omg-i'm-like-someone-in-skins act.
I'm scared and I don't know what to do because the GP just tells me I'm stressed out over my exams.. Nothing more, nothing less.
I mean obviously I am stressed out about exams but that's just a further complication that I could do without right now. It's by no means the perpetrator or root cause of anything. To be honest I'm not completely sure what is...
(She says thinking back to the time when she came home from dancing to find the tubes were stuck down her and she nearly choked to death as well as the general panic attack that was proceeding downstairs as she just walked away from it and pretended that her own mother wasn't dying).
No. Can't think of anything.
Is it true flashbacks are signs of insanity? I never heard about this theory until very recently. I only ask because I've had flashbacks of the most vivid, animated, life like scenes since I was nine years old. I just thought seeing things like that was something which happened to everyone else.
It's like epic dreaming I suppose. I mean I've definitely had quite a few epic dreams but some of those.... scenes will never leave my mind, no matter how much I want them to go.
The more I try to erase you the more, the more, the more that you appear.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange
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