Today has been a really pooey day. Not just today though, for the last few days, everything just feels like as it was.. And not how I thought it should be. It all came to a head though when we were driving back from another pointless journey to Frinton. I've completely given up. Someone come and rescue me? I hate the way that as soon as I try and explain it to someone they jump on the empathy band waggon. I'm turning more selfish and less rational in my thinking, I don't care anymore about the effects of my actions or words or the impact that they may or may not have. For once I'm putting myself first, but all I'm finding by doing that is proof that anything I say or do seems to upset the entire balance of everything. So what's the point? I'll continue living like a robot until I'm 18, then I'll move far away and do something I'm so desperately trying to do but failing at it miserably; run.
Despite all of this, there is some positivity that has been gleamed from today. Namely, Radiohead. I know it sounds ridiculous and unbelievable and insane, but this is what happened: I got home from another argument, I started painting my wall but that wasn't enough. I was about to do something stupid, something really fucking stupid. But just as I was about to, I clicked on the dashboard for what I thought would be the last time, and this link appeared at the top. A link from the BBC, confirming that Radiohead will have a live performance of their entire new album - The King of Limbs, broadcasted onto the TV in June/July. As you might expect, this made me go in to a slight state of europhia. Tears of absolute desperation and despair soon turned to the most overwhelming sense of joy and gratification. They did it once again, Radiohead saved me. It sounds cliché and stupid but those men are literally my guardian angels.
But then it didn't take long for this to wear off. And now I'm feeling like this. Completely indescribable, however very sentimental, sore and melancholy.
I find myself dipping into real moments of complete nostalgia at the moment. Whether it be by listening to Coldplay and the Red Hot Chili Peppers or by watching old disney films or staring at ancient pictures for ages. I don't know why, I suppose it's the historian in me which believes that to understand the present you have to understand the past.
N.B no I won't be attending shirt signing next Thursday - why on Earth would I want to do that? I'll probably go to the leavers assembly just for some finality that it's over. I won't go to Breakfast Club before exams because I find the idea of spending the best part of half an hour in the company of others far more daunting and uncomfortable than rushing around at quarter to nine, barely making it in time for the exam. Finally, I will be attending prom (probably) although I don't intend on staying long, going with anyone in particular, arriving in a pointless vehicle or looking good. Oh, and if the Radiohead broadcast is on the same day then you can forget about it sister.
Wow I've missed Coldplay. I was infatuated with these songs when I was 10 years old, no joke, and I still interpret them in the same way. These guys got me through a LOT.
If you ever feel neglected
If you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah, hoping everything's not lost.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange
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